So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
