mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
