cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my vagina is haunted
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
