Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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