All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
