Only a mothe r could love this liver
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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