You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
