just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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