If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
