Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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