Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
