If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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