did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think im going to throw up on grandma
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
