All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
