smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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