Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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