I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
