driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
where are my eyebrows?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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