No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
