There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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