Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
