my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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