thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
