as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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