Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
