Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
