I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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