Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What happened to fro yo and sex?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
