My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
