and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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