i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
When are your genitals available?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
