Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
