i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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