a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
