I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
