I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Drake has all the answers
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
