im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
