Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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