and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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