I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
