It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
