saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
