Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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