shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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