i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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