You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
