My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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