Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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