Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
