high people should be assigned attendants
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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